Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Codumbiana (the spelling is intentional)
Columbiana was an ugly movie with a beautiful star and looking at her was the only thing that made this stupid-thon bearable to sit through. There was so much wrong with Columbiana I don’t know what to begin, but I’ll try.
Zoe Saldana stars as a woman who becomes an assassin to avenge the deaths of her parents after witnessing their murders as a child. Along the way she is being pursued by a determined FBI Specialist and obsessed over by a naïve and unassuming artist that she has frequent sexual encounters with, all the while searching for the murderers of her parents to satisfy her revenge wanderlust.
Nothing worked in Columbiana and I mean nothing. The love story was unbelievable and unnecessary (you’ll laugh your ass off at their encounters and conversations.) The action was dull and boring and if you’re like me, you’ll find yourself saying “Get the hell out of here!” and “You can’t be serious?” for almost every scene in the damn movie. I realized the film was going the way of the Titanic about twenty minutes in, when her uncle who would become the teacher of her assassin ways shoots a random car on the street to prove to her that she needs to go to school to become a smart killer. Now, I’ve seen a lot of movies in my time and that was one of the dumbest scenes I’ve ever seen in my life and to add insult to viewer injury, with sirens blaring in the background, they just walked off like he didn’t just murder an innocent person in broad daylight. The fuck? I laughed throughout the entire movie, not because there were humorous elements, I laughed because it was contrived and totally ridiculous. And a movie that is billed as an action/adventure shouldn’t have the audience laughing in disbelief and looking at each other like they’re about to tell their neighbor a message in church.
Zoe Saldana is a beautiful woman and I personally would like to pour a bottle of Uncle Ray’s barbeque sauce all over her body to lick it off, so I hope she has a better vehicle to star in the next time around because Columbiana was a whackfest that put the hor in horrible. Later, man!