Monday, September 19, 2011

Things I Didn’t Want You to Know.


I was the boy in school that ate lunch alone.
I used to struggle with bouts of anxiety.
And I still do.
I am sensitive.
When I was younger I would cry
because I was afraid I would
never amount to anything.
I have had sex with women I wasn’t attracted to.
I called them mercy fucks.
I had a nervous breakdown on Sully Road
in Centerville, Va.
I didn’t speak up when I should have.
Sometimes I still don’t.
I watch The Travel Channel and get depressed.
I am still angry with my mother.
I hate cutting the lawn.
I make toasts to the women that didn’t appreciate
me when I was with them.
Once I got so drunk I sobbed until my whole body hurt,
then I stumbled into the kitchen
and ate a cold pop tart.
I lick the batter out of the bowl.
Although I recycle, I am not environmentally conscious.
I do it because it doesn’t require much effort.
I don’t make small talk because,
I am no good at it.
I am a Christian.
I’ve never voted and I’m ashamed of it.
I pretend to care about politics.
Sometimes I forget what I was going to say mid-statement.
I don’t think roller coasters are fun.
Sometimes I over think too much.
And that makes me no fun.
I cheated on that exam.
And I didn’t feel guilty about it.
I am still nursing my wounds.
I want people to like me.
I’m afraid to be alone.


  1. Most of the things you wrote are what i experience too. What you did is very open and liberating. I may have to try that too. Maybe that would help me wear down these fortified walls I've built up over the years. :/ Thanks for sharing your blog!

  2. Like Anon said, I've experienced many of the same things you have. Being transparent takes courage so I applaud you for that.

  3. I def feel the same way taht you do about a lot of thinks. I may have to steal this from you :)

  4. Certain that many share the same things as yourself. A few mentioned made me smile, laugh, become silent, sad and gain more of an understanding towards not only your spirit but mines as well.

    Lastly, I have to add: I once held a pain and anger in my heart for my mom that even made it impossible to hug her, tell her I love her or something simple as sit in the same room and watch TV.

    Now I regret those years. She and I lost and currently wishing we had back. I love my mother so much, at this point of my life.

  5. I have done that @Once I got so drunk I sobbed until my whole body hurt & licked the batter out the bowl.

    Hey I can pretty much say i've done alot of things on this list..

    thanks for sharing tho!!

  6. I LIKE YOU!Licking the batter out the bowl is the bestest especially if its chocolate *wink

  7. Yep, as everyone said, you're not alone. This takes a lot of courage :-).

  8. My Libran Lothario,

    You be tugging at my heartstrings,
    making my soul zing,
    tickling my insides,
    evoking laughter which
    wafts like water,
    dazzling with the shimmering incandescence of bubbles.

    Best of all,
    your thought provoking,
    digital swagger,
    ability to rip down walls,
    bouncing to a beat,
    while exposing the heart of you -
    Never fails to raise my temperature
    or push the boundaries of my consciousness.

    For that I thank U.


    P.S. - You being perfrectly imperfect is alright by me. Don't u be ripping apart my lyrical stylings lol. I embarass myself like this cause u moved me dammit.

  9. I absolutely love it. I wrote a poem titled "The Introduction" where I laid myself on the line on a first date to see if he still wanted to proceed.

    Love the openess and complete freeing of yourself.

    I made peace with my mom, my past and lastly myself.

    No longer afraid of the last one. Being alone and being lonely has helped me to free the little lost girl in me.

    Not saying, I don't want to partner to grow old with ;-)

    Love for a great day!

  10. So whats wrong with being you? Embrace it!

  11. @Mocha
    Thanks and I would love read yours.

  12. @Don

    Thanks bro. I love my mom and I take care of her, but she and I still have a trying relationship.

  13. @Chali
    You know my west side homey!

  14. @Coco
    You always know what to say Coco. Thanks!

  15. @Miz

    Nothing at all Miz! Embracing.

  16. I love it when people are open and honest about who they are. I think there's more strength in that than people realize-- to be able to bear your soul and be unashamed. That is beauty & that is love.

    I can relate to a lot of what you're listed here, and I guarantee you that 90% of people you meet can relate too.

    Peace & Love

  17. I love how the blogosphere is just the right balance of anonymity and self exposure to allow us to be truly human.

  18. Sunny sent me this way. I really enjoyed the post. I could relate to some of the things you listed. You have a very interesting blog. I'm sure I'll swing back by again.


  19. Saw your link on Sunny's post. Had to check you out. Very open and brave of you to share!

    I still worry and cry at times that I won't be what I want to be. I also watch the travel channel & home & garden and get depressed. Feeling like I'll never get to those places or own a home of my own.

    I don't know you, but a few things made me wanna hug you. Then in the next breath I laughed.

  20. @Anna

    I always say that people are more alike than they are different.

  21. @Nikks

    Thanks for your kind words and I can always use a nice hug.

  22. Maybe this is a stupid question, how do you get aroused by someone you're not attracted to? Is there no kissing involved? Is it true that the penis does not discriminate?